Friday, June 04, 2010

And a "New Moon" rises

"You have not idea how tight I'm bound." - Jacob Black

"I have to go." - Bella Swan

There is a beauty to those quotes up there.  They perfectly encapsulate the acting range of the stars of the hit New Moon.  Some may have seen that I posted on Monday night that my wife and I were going to watch New Moon.  We did.  It was amazing.

What was most amazing was just how constipated all the actors were.  I mean, really. Bella frequently clutched her abdomen as if she was in agony, as waves of bowel spasms racked her poor tortured body.  Anyone who knows will tell you that our emotional well being and our physical well being are intimately tied together.  I really feel bad for Edward, Jacob and Bella.  Even after Jacob admits to being "tightly bound" he doesn't seem to get any relief.  One would think that wolves keep things moving through.  I suppose not.

Then you have vampires.  I get that they are backed up.  All that iron and no roughage, it just isn't good for you.  So Edward has an excuse for the fact that his only facial expression is one of severe constipation.  I can sympathize.  Let me just say, when I was taking the narcs for my kidney stone, I reached a point when the back-upedness was worse than the stone.  TMI, probably, but there you go.

While watching the movie, I just hit a point though when I ran out of steam.  I did well through the first 2/3, making wise cracks for just about everything.  But I couldn't keep it up.  The constant rictus of agony on the faces of the principals in the movie got to me.  No one could act like that all the time and not have some serious bowel issues.

My Rx for Eclipse?  Metamucil with Miralax chasers.  Maybe they will actually look human then.